I am writing this essay from Spain, where my husband and I are enduring one of the hardest seasons of our 20 years together, and the hardest of our expat life. My father-in-law lost a short battle with brain cancer recently, and we are moving, renewing our residency papers, trying to travel for the memorial, buying new appliances for our empty home, and working. We have been overwhelmed, to say the least, but we have been abundantly supported. Two of the most supportive people during this time, you will not be surprised to hear, are my incredible grandparents, Winnie and Yura, who celebrate 60 years of marriage today. I got an email reply to my message about my father-in-law, in all caps, asking, WHAT CAN WE DO? WE NEED YOU TO BE OK.
Once she clarified all caps was due to her new handicapped arm in a sling and I stopped worrying that maybe this was a message that she needed help, I thought to myself, this is how they have been my whole life. Everything they do, they do so that those they love will be ok.
But because of their love, I am more than ok.
Because of my grandparents, I have had a beautiful example of a modern marriage. Chris and I are quite conservative compared to them, but every day I am thankful I married a man just like my grandpa, who is not afraid of a little cooking and cleaning. Their example shaped my expectations that a good man participates in daily life in the home, and both partners can find fulfillment outside the home as well. My grandparents shared the household chores so well that sometimes the salad was double salted, but that is a small price to pay when you are fortunate enough to sit down to a home-cooked family meal nearly every single day of your childhood. I do not take for granted how important a family dinner is. Now that we live in Spain, where the main meal is eaten in the middle of the day and dinner is very late, we’ve had to adjust what our family meal looks like. But because Chris and I both know the value of shared family meals, we always do it. And I sometimes overdress the salad, too. After all, I learned from the best.
Because of my grandparents, I have a broad perspective on what is fun. Some things I experienced while I lived with Grandma and Grandpa: Greek dancing late into the night, wearing a German dirndl that was brought home when my mother was a child, double features at international film festivals, Midsomerfest, dance and music shows from all over the world, entire long weekends at Folklife Festival (I went to high school with many people who never once attended this annual festival in Seattle), countless plays at Seattle Children’s and other theaters—including a hilarious slapstick comedy with music and men dressed as women they recently discovered, setting the table for dinner parties with linens from all over the world—each one with its own story, meeting interesting people at these dinner parties, sharing the basement with a exchange student, enjoying close friendships with the exchange students my grandparents had before I was born, homemade pizza, learning to make Greek dolmas from my Great Grandma, hiking all over the Olympic peninsula with my other great grandparents, the 60th wedding anniversary of my Hertzog grandparents, and of course, trips to Hawaii, Mexico and Europe.
Because of my grandparents, cards and letters are an essential part of my Christmas décor. 2022 was the first year of my adult life that I didn’t send a paper Christmas card, and you better believe I felt incredibly guilty about that. I did write a letter, but I sent it electronically. I still feel bad that my card cannot be hung on the jute mat that has hung in my grandparents entry way for three generations and in at least three homes—probably more! My grandparents have faithfully sent Christmas cards around the world, keeping in touch with people they met even in places like ClubMed, and I learned to keep in touch that way. This has served me incredibly well because in our career we have to send a newsletter every month!
Because of my grandparents, I try hard to be a warm and welcoming host, wherever I am. Since we moved to Spain, we have lived in a very small apartment with no extra space for guests. This has pained me so much because I was taught to be a welcomer. However, I also know that being a welcomer comes from the inside. My grandma was once recognized in ClubMed by one of her former students, who was working at the resort. She was so happy to see my grandma, and my grandma was thrilled to see her too. I will never forget that moment, how my grandma made this young woman, someone whose literal job it was to welcome her, feel welcome just for remembering her school librarian. I love that my grandparents can find something in common with nearly any person who might sit at their communal table at a resort. I don’t think it can be emphasized how rare this quality is, especially in today’s intolerant cancel culture.
From my grandparents I learned that a husband and a wife can vote differently, think independently about what’s important, and get along swimmingly. They practiced at home what people can’t even do for perfect strangers anymore! And it’s not that they don’t have strong opinions about right and wrong, politics, and other issues. It’s just that they always treat others with respect. The way this has manifested in my own parenting is that when my kids have a look on their face that tells me they don’t understand what another person is doing, I say with a smile, “aren’t people interesting? They just do what they want to do, don’t they?” Later, at home, I might take a teaching opportunity to say, “in our family, we don’t…” but we respect other people and their ways, even if they’re strange. They didn’t lecture (much), they left copies of Time Magazine out for me to look at. Obviously, we read a lot of books. I could talk for hours about the influence of reading on my career and lifestyle choices.
Chris and I are so thankful to my grandparents for the ways they have helped us, challenged us, and loved us and our children. Susanna and Austin also attended their first theater shows and dance performances with them. Susanna was exposed to Greek music in their house, and it became an easy way to put her down for a nap while we spent an afternoon at their house. When they visited us in Spain, I was thrilled that my kids first ate figs off the tree with my grandpa. Hw also showed them which was the jujubee nut (although we had to look up the name because he only knew it in Turkish), and how to gather pine nuts. I love that it was partly their influence that made me want to live abroad, but I hate that we are missing these special years with Great Grands close by.
They took on a lot, parenting well into their grandparenting years when I needed to be cared for, but I am so grateful and so fortunate to have been influenced by Winnie and Yura. Cheers to 60 happy years of marriage!
The anniversary was June 18, and they celebrated with dinner and dancing at the Swedish Club with their friends and some family. Amazing, right? I shared this essay with them ahead of time but I am just now getting it published.